So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im holly from the hills drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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