Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
