i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
