Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
