he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
