...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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