Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
