Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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