Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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