I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
