I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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