How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
how drunk are you?
Several
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
