then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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