I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
