im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
