i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
