hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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