Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
