You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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