that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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