Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
