I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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