my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
