it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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