I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
