her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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