I smell stomach acid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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