May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
