does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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