Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
