I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
