Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
