Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
