I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
