I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
