I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
