Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
