If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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