Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
