Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
