return my video game
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
