she was so not down for the gang bang
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
