life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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