So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
