Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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