made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
