sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
