I puked a lego.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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