Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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