First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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