I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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